I just got out of the shower, and in the warm, clean after-haze, I’m sitting here surprised by how I feel.

There’s a frosted window in my shower. The view is obscured, but I can see the lights of my neighbors’ houses. When I’m in my kitchen, I can see these neighbors walking around their own kitchens, living their lives, a little thrilled by the fact that I can watch them, wondering if they watch me, too, when I’m not looking. Tonight, standing under the hot water, feeling each tiny bead run down my naked body, I thought how it would feel to look out the window and see someone staring at me. Taking in my body. Taking me.   

I don’t consider myself an exhibitionist, but right now in this moment, I want to be.

While imagining this, I didn’t masturbate, but I imagined masturbating. I touched my breasts, teased my nipples, briefly entertained the idea of doing more, but I ended up just standing still. It felt good all on its own.  

I imagined pressing my body against the window, silently thrilled no one would be able to tell.

Is there a word for fantasizing about fantasizing?

What is turning me on when this happens? The thought of being watched, or the thought of my own body? Is it possible I’m turning myself on? Is this just a perverse narcissism?

Already, I feel like I should apologize. I’m being arrogant, but in a world where it often feels that every facet of society is trying its best to make me hate myself, just for existing inside a body, getting turned on by that same body feels downright radical.

The pandemic has made me somewhat feral. My body hair has grown out in several regions. But in the shower, this just enhanced my pleasure. I felt reckless. Wild. 

Unmoored by expectation.

It feels good to feel good about my body. To take pleasure in it the way someone else would. To be reminded that this is a possibility.

I’m writing this in my robe, with my hair in a towel. Parts of my body are still wet, and the process of putting this experience into words has left me physically aroused.

I might touch myself, but I probably won’t. Right now, it’s enough just to feel this.